2018 is the year where a lot happened and at the same time, nothing happened.
If I look back, I’ll probably see this as a year where nothing really happened, but it probably marked the planting of some pretty big seeds and also realizing the failure of a lot of seeds.
I think the biggest change this year was that I actually tried dating and somehow that helped me come to terms with myself and with my own career choices. I think it’s because I’m the type that needs to rant to really figure things out that while dating made me feel like shit sometimes, unconsciously, I’ll start conjuring up what I really want deep down. Even if I thought I wanted to be a UX designer or a data visualizer and I was probably really close to breaking through, I think deep down, always being like wouldn’t it be funny if I did do architecture and people always fcking talking about architecture to me, somehow I realized, even if I don’t want to be an “architect” I really wanna work with buildings.
Sometimes you need to be completely torn away from something to realize how important it is. And now I’m rekindling my love for buildings with some new insights. While I’m still scared that what if I lose my one last dream, I laugh at myself because this where I was 4 years ago before I even started architecture. But sometimes, I feel like I didn’t get to dig roots for a reason. I’m really lucky where my career path has veered off because it has allowed me to have more focus and to want it more. Also, learning programming and shit really taught me how to learn on my own and how I can really make anything I want.
But 2018 was fun and horrible (because dating is both). I realized why I never dated anyone before was probably because I’ve always had this inkling my life was going to change. And now that I’m in a relationship that might turn serious (or is it already), I wonder if it’ll last if my life changes (aka getting a “real” job). But the good thing of dating and talking with many people is you begin to discover who you are and your likes. I feel like this year, I scrapped all my old clothes and things as an extension I’m starting to live who I want to be. I’m getting closer to who I want to be. And when I feel down, I think about how I’m probably living someone’s dream.
Whenever I see my family, I tend to feel a little down because it’s always you’re never enough and I know that next year if there’s an addition to the family my role and the family will change. This is probably the last Christmas with the 5 of us. In my family, I can never imagine myself coming first or having a plus one, but if my sister has a kid, the dynamic will change in a way I can’t even imagine and maybe someday it’ll only be natural for there to be an “Auntie Lolo” who has a someone. But actually, I don’t feel down about becoming more invisible in my family because I realized I’m starting my own life in the Bay where I am the main character. I’m feeling more confident in myself and in my story.
When I went to the family party, my cousin who I last saw two years ago said I didn’t look as shy as I used to. I actually tried making small awkward talk with my cousins who I usually just don’t really try talking to. And I wonder what changed. It wasn’t really my job since I feel my confidence shrinking, so it must because I’m feeling more confident in who I am.
In many ways I’m nowhere where I hoped to be but in many OTHER ways, I have accomplished a lot this year and am on the road to a better path. I feel like I’m starting to break out of this down drop where I felt like I was falling lower and lower and always picking myself up. I still keep falling, but I feel confident I can always get up.
(Source: kevc)
(via kevc)
(Source: death-by-elocution)
(Source: designbby, via monopolist)